I'm Still Here A danisnotonfire and AmazingPhil fanfiction
by rosepose
Summary: Dan's life is going pretty well. Great, actually. He's never been happier. What happens when things take a turn for the worst? Dan is diagnosed with Acute Myeloid Leukemia. What will happen to him? What will happen to his relationship with his family, his friends, Phil? Dan just wants things to go back to the way they were. But is that even possible?
Dan Howell hates hospitals. He hates waiting, too. Except, all you do in a hospital _is_ wait, so he suddenly finds himself in a predicament. All he knows is that something _might_ be wrong with him. Something that required him to have a "bone marrow biopsy." He was somehow miraculously able to keep that from Phil. His side is still sore from it.

When the doctor comes in to speak with him, he stops his incessant tapping on the desk in front of him and gives her his attention.

"Mr. Howell?" The woman confirms, sitting in front of him and opening a folder.

Dan nods. "Yes," he says, only becoming more nervous.

"I'm doctor Reynolds. I will be your doctor from now on." Dan gives her a small, unconfident smile and is relieved by the fact that she doesn't extend her hand to him in greeting. "We have the results of your biopsy." She gives him a serious, yet sympathetic look. "Mr. Howell, I'm afraid you have stage I Acute Myeloid Leukemia."

Dan's stomach shifts, and he feels as if he might vomit. "W-what?" He can faintly hear the doctor talk to him about how leukemia is a cancer of the blood, and how he will need treatment soon. But there is only one thought running through his head: How will I tell Phil?

"Mr. Howell, I understand that this is a lot to take in, but your condition is not anything to make little of. I'd like to start treatment as soon as possible. I want to start prescribe you a few things right away to help with your symptoms."

Dan is unable to move. He is struggling to speak. Finally, he looks up at the doctor, his eyes wide with fear and pleading for affirmation. He gulps. "Am I going to be okay?" he asks simply, his voice small and childlike.

Dr. Reynolds looks at him with sad eyes through her thin-rimmed spectacles. Her expression changes suddenly to one of caring and optimism, as if she can flip a switch. "We've caught it early, which is great. At this point, you have a good chance of survival."

Dan shakes his head a moment, turning his gaze to the floor. He curses silently as the tears form in his eyes. He turns back to Dr. Reynolds, frowning. "But will I be _okay_?"

The woman tilts her head to the side, realizing what he's asking. They sit there in silence a moment. She doesn't offer an answer.

* * *

As Dan arrives to the flat, a feeling a of dread overwhelms him. _This is not happening._ But it is. Shakily, he puts the key in the door and turns it, trying to be as quiet as possible. As far as Phil knows, he's been out shopping all day. Dan isn't sure if he even wants to tell Phil the news.

"Dan?" Phil calls as Dan closes the door behind him.

Dan freezes in place, unsure of what to do. "Yeah, Phil, I'm home," Dan replies, making his way into the lounge, trying his best to appear nonchalant. Phil is sitting on the sofa, probably editing, as his headphones are in and his eyes are glued to the screen of his laptop.

Phil looks up at Dan. "How was your day?"

"Uh, fine," Dan says, looking at the floor.

Phil frowns. "Are you feeling alright? Your voice sounds a little scratchy."

Dan clears his throat. "I'm fine, Phil."

"Alright," Phil nods, turning his attention back to his screen. "What do you think of pizza for dinner?"

"I-I'm not really hungry," Dan says.

Phil looks up quizzically before returning to his task. It isn't like Dan to want to miss dinner. But he's been doing it more often than usual. "Okay, more for me."

Dan hurries to his room and shuts the door behind him. He tosses the pharmacy bag on the floor and kicks of his shoes, collapsing on top of his bed. Dan burrows under his duvet and takes a deep breath. To his dismay, it comes out as a whimper. Tears begin to well up in his eyes and he can't take it. He wills himself into slumber, trying desperately to forget the events of today.

* * *

Phil sighs as he removes the pizza from the microwave. He walks it over to Dan's room and knocks on the door lightly. "Dan? Are you sure you're okay? You haven't made a sound all evening."

Dan's eyes dart from his computer to the door. _Shit._ He closes all of his "leukemia" tabs in Chrome, opening Tumblr's sign in page."Yeah, Phil, I'm fine." Phil opens the door slowly, as if to give Dan time to respond. But Dan only sighs.

Phil raises the plate. "I saved some in case you're hungry now." Dan nods. Food is the last thing on his mind right now.

Dan watches as Phil sets the pizza on the bedside table. Dan's heart races as he remembers he left the pharmacy bag on the floor. He winces as Phil's gaze brushes over Dan's room, his eyes inevitably locking onto the bag of pills he was prescribed. Phil tilts his head. "Did you go to the doctor today? Are you sick?"

Dan gulps. "Yeah, I'm sick, Phil." At least it's not a total lie.

"You could've told me Dan. You didn't have to say you were fine."

Dan nods, just wanting Phil to leave him alone. He has to tell him, though. And soon. A part of him wonders if he could just tell Phil now. If he would be able to do such a thing. Waiting isn't going to soften the blow. "I-I didn't want you to worry or anything."

 _Tomorrow_ , Dan decides, _I'll tell him tomorrow._

Phil goes to the door and pauses, turning to Dan. "Well, if you need anything, just yell, okay?"

Dan nods, letting out a deep breath when the door closes behind Phil. He feels wrong. All wrong. He's never kept anything like this from Phil before. He never thought he'd have to.


End file.
